Thriving under pressure: Why stress drains some and fuels others

Why is it that some people thrive under pressure, while others burn out? The same challenge that motivates one person to rise to the occasion can be completely overwhelming for another.

I’ve been both people.

A few years ago, I burned out. After nearly a decade in engineering, a new assignment pushed me beyond my limits. Far from my community, in a high-pressure role, my mental health crashed. And yet – others around me thrived in the exact same environment.

So, what makes the difference between stress that fuels you and stress that drains you?

Through my work in resilience and leadership coaching, I’ve learned that thriving under pressure is a skill. And the good news? You can learn it.

Good Stress vs. Bad Stress: Why We React Differently

Not all stress is bad. The right kind can boost motivation, focus, and performance. The problem comes when stress turns chronic – when it’s unrelenting, unpredictable, or overwhelming. There’s no room for recovery and so can quickly descend into burnout.

A model I often use is the Window of Tolerance. When you’re in your optimal zone, you can handle stress effectively. But when stress exceeds your capacity – either through repetition, intensity, or a lack of regulation – you either spiral into overdrive (“hyperarousal” – anxiety, overwhelm) or shut down completely (“hypoarousal” – exhaustion, numbness).

What’s important is understanding your stress response:

1. Stress is personal: We all have different sized “windows” based on our experiences – and different things that can push us outside our limits.
2. It’s shaped early, but it can change: Our regulation mechanisms are wired as early as four weeks old, but they can be adjusted thanks to the “neuroplasticity” of our brains.
3. Your environment matters: There’s only so much personal work you can do if your surroundings are chronically draining.

The Stress Equation: Triggers and Drainers

We often think of stress as being caused by triggers – big, obvious challenges like deadlines or conflicts. But another key factor is drainers – subtle, daily leaks in your energy that quietly wear you down. If you’re constantly exhausted, chances are you have drainers in your life that you’re not noticing.

Here’s some energy drainers you might be overlooking, and how to handle them:

1. Multitasking: Your brain doesn’t actually multitask – it switches between tasks, burning energy each time. This can reduce productivity by 40% and increase mental fatigue.
   Try this: work in focused blocks (25–50 minutes), then take 5-minute resets. Close extra tabs, silence notifications, and finish one task before starting another.
2. Constant screen time: Our brains weren’t built for screens. Your brain is working overtime to filter millions of bits of information – add to that the blue light exposure and dopamine-dysregulating social media it’s no wonder research links excessive screen time to fragmented focus and mental exhaustion.
   Try this: take intentional screen-free breaks – look outside, stretch, or close your eyes. Reduce exposure to screens at least two hours before bed.
3. Feeling like you don’t belong: This one surprises people. A lack of psychological safety is a massive energy drain. If you feel like you have to mask who you are, your brain stays in low-level fight-or-flight mode. This reaction intensifies with the more aspects of yourself you may be trying to “cover”.
   Try this: seek out small moments of connection – a quick chat with a colleague, joining a supportive group, or spending time with people who make you feel safe.

The Big One: Living Out of Alignment

One of the biggest energy drainers I see? Forcing yourself into a life that doesn’t fit.

I work with leaders who are "successful" on paper – high-paying jobs, big responsibilities – but feel exhausted and disconnected. Often, it’s because they’re living out of alignment with their values.

Ask yourself:
✔ Are you working toward goals that actually matter to you?
✔ Are you making choices based on your values – or someone else’s expectations?
✔ What activities, people, or work make you feel most like yourself?

You don’t need a life overhaul to feel more aligned, small shifts create big gains. Like a change in your work routine, a hobby, or spending time with people you love. Whatever makes you feel that “flow” – instead of like you’re swimming against the current.

A Resilience Recipe: Soothers and Builders

Resilience isn’t about avoiding stress – it’s about managing it. I like to think of it as a simple equation: Do less of what drains you and more of what fills you up.

We’ve talked about stressors and drainers, but there’s two things on the other side of the equation: Soothers and Builders. Soothers regulate your nervous system and restore your energy – things like rest, breathing, or connection. Builders strengthen resilience through controlled stress exposure, training your body to handle challenge, and come with a host of added benefits for your energy, immune system and brain health.

Get Your Spark Back 

If you need some help thriving under pressure, here’s my advice on how to start:

1. Love Yourself First

Your relationship with yourself sets the foundation for how you handle stress. You can’t set boundaries without self-assurance. You won’t choose self-care if you don’t believe you deserve it. 

• Speak to yourself like someone you love: notice and redirect negative self-talk.
• Treat yourself like you care: what makes you feel loved, nurtured and cared for? Do one of those things every day, even if it’s just for 15 minutes.
• Build a deeper self-connection: try yoga, reflective journaling, or mediations like loving-kindness to grow self-awareness and shift how you relate to yourself.

2. Slow Down

One of the biggest nervous system stressors is the relentless pace we move through life, which keeps your body stuck in stress mode.

• Challenge urgency thinking: notice when you feel the urge to rush and ask: is this actually urgent? Most of the time, it’s not.
• Start your day with intention: a slow coffee, deep breathing, or a mindful walk can shift your whole day’s energy.
• Prioritise rest: build intentional restoration into your routine whether that’s sleep, yoga nidra, restorative yoga, or chilling with a favourite book.

3. Make Your Cup Bigger

When you feel ready, introduce some “builders” which make you feel powerful and expand your capacity for stress.

• Learn something new: new experiences boost neuroplasticity. Sign up for a class or log back into Duo Lingo.
• Step outside your comfort zone: set yourself small challenges that make you nervous – like speaking up in meetings, setting bigger goals, or a new social situation.
• Train your body for stress: strength training, dancing, hiking, cold exposure, or breathwork are proven ways to expand your stress tolerance – but start gently and with the guidance of an expert.

Consistency Beats Intensity

Big changes don’t stick – small, daily habits do. Every time you repeat a behaviour; you strengthen and deepen the new neural pathways you’re creating. 

Even something as simple as taking Hello Energy each morning can become a power habit – a daily signal that you’re choosing to fuel yourself first.

Final Thoughts: Resilience Is a Relationship

Resilience isn’t built overnight – it’s something you cultivate through small, intentional choices. It starts with self-awareness and self-compassion, protecting your energy, and gradually expanding your capacity for stress in a way that strengthens instead of depletes you.

You don’t need a complete life overhaul to feel better. Tiny, consistent shifts make the biggest impact. Even the smallest habits – pausing before reacting, prioritising rest, or choosing something that fuels you – can rewire your response to stress over time.

So, what’s one small shift you can make today? Pick it. Commit to it. And let that be the start of something bigger.